Kristen Walker Smith and Professor Cathy Black, Modern Dance
Having lost my own father to cancer when I was seven I felt that my modern dance choreographic senior project would be a wonderful opportunity to explore both dance and death. I was excited to portray through movement the emotions associated with death and dying. I felt that with my in depth research I would be able to come to some sort of conclusion concerning both subjects. However I found, as cheesy as it sounds, that the more I learned the less I knew for sure.
Admittedly, this was my first real effort to explore either subject. I had never choreographed a full dance before, and this was to be a thirteen-minute masterpiece. And while I had seen death before, I had never investigated it, delved into it, tried to get to the core of dying. While I had seen the aftermath of dying, I had never really looked at the actual process of dying. That is where my research began.
As I pursued the subject of thanatology (the study of death) through research I found that I knew much less than I thought. I was basing my research on Dr. Kubler-Ross’ five step theory as set forth in her book Living With Death and Dying, published in 1981. Kubler-Ross presented her theory of dying as stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. From reading her book and researching on my own I agreed whole-heartedly with her approach. I felt that those were the obvious steps that any normal dying person would go through. I never counted on the variation of human nature.
Much of my research came from the diaries of a woman who had watched her husband die over a two-year period. Admittedly, this was my mother. I read her diaries, starting with the day her husband was diagnosed with colon cancer until the day of his funeral. Looking back I think I may have tried too hard to find intimations of Kubler-Ross’ phases in my mother’s diaries. Obviously there were examples of all five stages, but some were much more apparent than others. It seemed that denial, bargaining and depression were more strongly felt than anything else, but most of all depression. I chose not to capitalize on this in my dance for the sake of convenience.
As I choreographed my dance I was able to use sections of the diaries as motivation and emotion for my dancers. I had one or two dancers to represent each of the five phases of dying. I shared diary entries that exemplified the types of emotion each dancer needed to understand and portray on stage. I believe that this was an effective way to bring my research into the movement. As much as I could tell my dancers what I wanted them to feel, it is much more powerful coming from the diaries of someone who experienced death almost firsthand.
Eventually, right before the performance, my mother came talk to all of us about the realities of death. My dancers seemed to take this to heart and danced more beautifully than they had in any rehearsal.
Working with the dying in a hospice situation was also a part of my research. I feel that I was lucky to have this opportunity to see death in a more present and real spectrum than a diary. I spent many months working with an elderly man who, as far as I could tell, seemed to have been dying for years. As I worked with him I watched carefully for signs to support my belief in Kubler-Ross’ theory. While I could find hints of each phase in his conversation and attitude, it was obvious that by the time I had met him he was clearly at the point of acceptance. After speaking with family members it appeared that he had been in that phase for years. As his wife said, he seemed to have already separated himself from this world.
The research I did with this man taught me something about the separation that occurs before death. I was able to see it first-hand, to practically feel it. I was surprised by how peaceful it was. Death seemed to be but another step in his life. His example helped me to put the culminating movement of the dance together. I performed the “acceptance” phase of the dance in the place of an injured dancer. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to come to my own conclusion, as I danced, about what I had learned.
I can’t express in words what I learned from the diaries, Kubler-Ross’ research, or my own personal experience with a dying old man. I suppose that is why I choreographed a thirteenminute dance to say what I couldn’t through movement and music. While I am pleased with the result I still recognize that my research is not done.
My dance was performed last year, but I am still working with those who are dying and the families they leave behind. I feel that, while I learned a great deal from my research, I am not yet prepared to call myself anything but an interested student in the subject of both dance and death. Mastery of both will come with time.