Forsaking All Others: Marital Fidelity in Religious Couples

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Nathaniel M. Lambert and Dr. David C. Dollahite

ABSTRACT:

This study reports results from in-depth interviews with 57 highly religious middle-aged married couples from all the major Abrahamic faiths (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Mormonism) from New England and Northern California. The study uses grounded theory methods to create themes and a model describing the ways that religious couples draw on their beliefs and practices to stay faithful to their marital. Couples reported that religion affects their level of faithfulness in 4 important ways: 1) Religion fortifies marital commitment; 2) Religion strengthens moral values; 3) Religion improves one’s relationship with God; 4) Religion sanctifies marriage.

Previous research on sexual infidelity focuses on four general categories: the prevalence of infidelity among men and women in various cultures, factors that predict fidelity and infidelity in marriage, the impact of infidelity on marriage, and the correlation between religious belief and practice and marital infidelity. This section will review the most recent studies of the prevalence, factors, and impact of infidelity.

The Prevalence of Infidelity among Men and Women in Society

In general, Americans disapprove of sexual infidelity. More than 90% of the general public agrees that it is “always” or “almost always” wrong (Smith, 1994). Nonetheless, Balswick & Balswick (1999) found that during the duration of marriage, 25% of men and 15% of women report having had sex with someone other than their spouse. The younger generation also seems to be more liberal in their views on sexuality. Studies reveal that 50% of college men and 44% of college women report being sexually and/or emotionally unfaithful at least once while in a committed relationship (Beokhout, 1997). Men have been shown to be consistently more unfaithful than women (Kraaykamp, 2002), although the gender gap is closing (Cohen & Shotland, 1996).

Factors that Predict Fidelity and Infidelity in Marriage

Research indicates several factors that lower a person’s likelihood of engaging in extramarital sex. Respondents who have children, particularly when children are teenagers, are generally less permissive sexually (Wade & DeLamater, 2002). Spouses that enjoy spending time with the mate’s family are 24% less likely to engage in extramarital sex than those that do not enjoy their in-laws (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
Reiss, Anderson & Sponaugle (1980) identified key factors that correlate with extramarital sex. These include low religiosity, attitudes about gender inequality, liberal political attitudes, marital unhappiness, premarital sexual involvement, and marital sexual dissatisfaction. Treas & Giesen (2000) discovered that couples that live together before marriage increase the odds of marital infidelity by 39%. Stack, Wasserman & Kern (2004) found persons that had an extramarital affair were 3 times more likely to have used cyberporn. An imbalance of power in marriage is also related to greater likelihood of an affair (Balswick & Balswick, 1999).

Level of education impacts infidelity. Those with more education adopt more liberal attitudes towards sexuality (Kraaykamp, 2002). People at the ends of the education spectrum—eighth grade or less and master’s degree or higher—are most likely to engage in extramarital relations (Treas & Giesen, 2000).
The Impact of Infidelity on Marriage, Adults and Children

Divorce is perhaps the most devastating impact of infidelity on marriage. Amato and Previti (2003) show that “infidelity is the number one cause of divorce followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use” (p. 602). Lawson & Samson (1998) found that 77 percent of women and 63 percent of men agreed that adultery had been the cause of their separation or divorce.

Infidelity yields various kinds of emotional distress. Cano & O’Leary (2000) found that women who experienced marital stressors that involved humiliation or devaluation (e.g., husband’s infidelity) were six times more likely to be diagnosed with major depression.

How Religion Helps Couples Avoid Infidelity

There exists a strong, negative correlation between religiosity and infidelity. Individuals who attend church regularly or report high religiosity are less prone to extramarital infidelity than those who do not (Wade & DeLamater, 2002). The significant negative effects of church attendance on rates of marital infidelity indicate that church members disapprove of extramarital sex (Kraaykamp, 2002). Wade & DeLamater (2002) concludes that for both men and women, “a high level of reported religious influence is the strongest significant predictor of less permissive sexual attitudes” (p. 905).

Although trends seem to indicate that Americans have increased in their disapproval of sexual infidelity (Pestrak, Martin & Martin, 1985; Smith, 1994) rates of reported extramarital sex remain high (Balswick & Balswick, 1999; Boekhout, 1997). Many studies have sought to explain factors that increase the likelihood of infidelity, yet few expound upon factors that reduce such behavior. While studies that explain the role of religiosity in marital sexuality exist, they are sparse and controversial. A positive correlation between religiosity and fidelity has been established; however, specific information as to how or why this relationship exists is lacking. Therefore, further investigation to answer these questions is necessary and relevant. Related research is limited in scope because it has traditionally been conducted using surveys. Qualitative research interviews, focusing specifically on religious families, are needed to elucidate specific reasons as to how religiosity reduces the frequency of marital infidelity.

Research Questions

This study seeks to discover specifically how religion helps couples to be faithful by looking at highly religious couples active in the three major Abrahamic faiths; Christianity, Islam and Judaism. The research questions this study seeks to answer are:
1. Do religious couples report connections between their religion and their marital fidelity?
2. How and why does religion affect marital fidelity?

Method

Participants

One of the best ways to build theory is with participants at the extremes of the variables of interest (Boss, 1980). Therefore, a highly religious sample was sought. This is a theoretically driven sample. Such a “prototypical sample” is more likely to allow in-depth exploration of variables of interest. Data are drawn from interviews done by the first author in the spring and summer of 2002 and in the summer of 2004. He met with thirty-eight leaders from Christian, Jewish and Islamic communities in New England and Northern California and solicited the names of families in their congregation that they considered especially involved in their faith community and family life. Interviews typically lasted approximately one hour. Persons interviewed were paid twenty dollars each.

The sample consisted of 57 couples coming from the three major monotheistic or “Abrahamic” faiths (Christianity, Judiasm, Islam). Mean ages of the husbands and wives were 48 and 45 respectively. Of the 57 couples interviewed 48 were Caucasian and nine (16%) were ethnic minorities (2 African American, 4 Caucasian/Hispanic, 2 East Indian, and 1 Malaysian/Caucasian). The sample was well-educated with the mean level of education for the husbands and wives 17 years and 16 years respectively. Participants had been married for an average of 21 years. Participants were fairly religious, attending religious services on average of once a week and contributing on average about 7 percent of their income to their faith communities and other religious causes.

Couples were from the following faith groups: (a) six Catholic, (b) twelve Jewish, (c) four Muslim, (d) eleven New Christian Traditions (Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witness, Latter-day Saint, Seventh-day Adventist), (e) thirteen Mainstream Protestant (Episcopalian, Quaker, Presbyterian, Congregationalist, Lutheran, Methodist), and (f) eight Evangelical Protestant (Baptist, Charismatic Episcopal, Orthodox Presbyterian, Missionary Alliance, Pentecostal) (g) three Orthodox Christian (two Greek Orthodox, one Orthodox Church in America.

The desire was to reach a sufficient number of participants to achieve “conceptual saturation” that is where additional couples are mainly repeating what others have reported (Lofland & Lofland, 1995). Sampling was purposive (Berg, 2001; Denzin & Lincoln, 1994), in order to obtain greater depth and richness of data (Berg, 2001).

Methodology

To achieve the desired levels of depth of information “intensive interviewing” Lofland and Lofland (1995) was employed. Questions sought to explore the behaviorial and interpretive links between religious belief and practice and marital interaction. Follow up questions were used to further clarify and add depth. Leading questions that would elicit specific answers were avoided (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). Since the research focuses on marriage and to allow spouses to together discuss their relationship (and to be sensitive to diverse cultural and religious beliefs and practices), all couple interviews were conducted together.

The following five interview questions were most central to the research questions for this study: How has your relationship with God influenced your relationship with each other? Does the concept of covenant have meaning for you in your marriage? Which faith practices/traditions hold special meaning for you as a couple? Does your faith in God help you be more selfless and help you have a shared vision in your marriage? All couples have some conflict. Are there ways that your religious beliefs or practices help avoid or reduce marital conflict?

Analysis

Audio taped interviews were transcribed and checked for accuracy. We employed a modified grounded theory approach (Strauss and Corbin, 1998). Following this open coding we developed a conceptual model that we believe accurately reflects the relationship between the major themes in the data. Grounded theory, however, allows the analysis to be grounded in the data, not the data grounded in the preconceived points of view of the researcher.

According to Corbin & Strauss (1990) the first phase of grounded theory is called open coding when conceptual labels are given to preliminary groupings of similar occurrences. In the second phase, axial coding, efforts are made to reconstruct or deconstruct existing links between categories and subcategories. In the later stages of coding, termed selective, various categories are integrated and assimilated around a central explanatory concept. This provided the overall framework for understanding the data. Lastly, every attempt was made to falsify emergent findings (Gilgun, 2001) by trying to prove initial conclusions false so as to test their validity.

Twenty-five of the 32 interviews from the Northeast were read and coded in their entirety and were the basis for developing a grounded theory. We tested this theory and the emergent codes on the remaining eight New England interviews and the Northern California interviews using the process as mentioned above. Some of the codes were revisited, others dropped and some were added to reflect the comments of couples in both locations.

Results

In responding to questions about how their religious beliefs influenced their marriage most couples referred to fidelity even though no direct questions were asked about it. Through an extensive examination process, several patterns emerged which cast light on how these highly religious couples perceived the connection between their religion and fidelity in their marriages. We did not explicitly ask whether spouses had remained sexually faithful nor how their faith had influenced fidelity. Yet their comments often touched on this issue. Analysis indicated that couple religious beliefs and practice was manifest through (a) relational commitment, (b) personal values, (c) relationship with God and (d) a sanctified marriage. These four themes were directly and positively related to fidelity among religious couples. Each of these themes will be discussed separately then the conceptual model will be presented.

Religion Fortifies Relational Commitment

Rusbult et al. (2001) defines commitment as the extent to which a partner believes the relationship will continue into the future. Religion strengthened commitment in the couples that participated in our study. Jake, a First Congregational reporter summed it up by saying, “You know, no matter how pretty I may think all these young college girls walking around are, this is the woman I’m committed to. And that has a faith aspect to my life.” Like Jake, many of the couples we interviewed were motivated to forsake all others and remain committed to their marriage relationships because of their devotion to religious ideals.
Vows made in a religious setting appeared to contribute to these couples’ perspective of a future together. Common ceremonial phrases like, ‘In sickness or in health; till death do us part’ strengthened the couples’ relational commitment and enhanced their determination to be faithful no matter what challenges or temptations life presented. Mitch, a Methodist chemistry professor described his experience with vow making.

I mean fidelity certainly, you know, fidelity to a vow. And making a vow in front of God and the family. That’s pretty serious living up to that. And that’s, you know, in our vows, that promise was indeed, you know, caring for each other through all of life’s surprises…And speaking those vows in front of her ten brothers . . . Raised fidelity on the list.

Religious beliefs about the lasting nature of marriage also contributed to the couples’ commitment to each other. Members of a few denominations (e.g., Latter-day Saints, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Orthodox Christians) believe that marital relations can continue after death. Jason, a Latter-day Saint religious educator, said:

So our marriage relationship will last beyond till death do us part. And that in and of itself makes the commitment level much more profound than, in my estimation, than till death do you part. And even, some people say, we’ll see how this goes for a few years. We didn’t enter it with that attitude.

The religions of the couples in our study promoted commitment in marriage. Whether through direct teachings, through marriage vows, or by promoting belief about the eternal nature of marriage, the religious message of commitment to marriage was internalized by those interviewed and was related to marital fidelity.

Religion Strengthens Moral Values

Moral values are standards, principles or beliefs that influence behavior. Religious teachings, holy writings, and participation in spiritual activities are some of the ways that religion reinforces moral values for our couples. These moral values appeared to help couples to remain faithful to each other. Leah, a Jewish arts administrator, said:

But I think that our religious involvement, at whatever level, has bolstered those values. I think we came to the marriage with those values, but I think that the closer, the more involved we are, and spending religious text and thinking about religious issues, the more those things are made firm.

One of the reasons why these religiously involved couples upheld values of fidelity is because religions generally condemn extramarital sex and use scriptural examples to teach their congregations to avoid such behavior. Brent, a Jehovah’s Witness optician, explained:

Well we mentioned before about [marriage] being a permanent bond, that Jehovah God hates divorcing…because that breaks the marriage bond. And Jesus also said that adultery would be something that would, could break the marriage bond.

Besides directly teaching about sexual fidelity, the religions believed by couples in this study discouraged behavior that often leads to unfaithfulness. For example Jala, an Indian Muslim homemaker, explained “Yes, we just follow Hadith and . . . what the Prophet Muhammad said, like not to drink alcohol, not to go to bars, not dance, nor dance with any other men or women, dating always properly.” Although many disregard teachings of their religious leaders and ignore scriptural directives, these measures seemed to have helped the couples we interviewed to remain faithful to marital vows.
Religion Improves Relationship with God

Couples indicated that we found that a relationship with God was positively related to their marital fidelity. Debby, a Baptist social worker, explained that fidelity is directly connected to her relationship with God, “In addition to unconditional love, maybe the idea, in our culture, of fidelity, I see as being tied, for me, primarily, to my beliefs and to my relationship with God.” Thus, one’s relationship with deity can often be an important factor in couples’ fidelity.

A strong relationship with God leads to a sense of accountability to obey His commandments regarding issues of marriage. Mark, a Jehovah’s Witness retired college professor said,
Well, you know, we feel we’re answerable to God about our marriage. We’re answerable to Him about our personal faith, we’re also answerable to Him about how we conduct ourselves in the marriage, because that’s His arrangement. And as the head of the family, according to the scriptures, I have a very great responsibility to make sure that I do what’s right in God’s sight.

In addition, a strong relationship with God was often accompanied with an intensified desire to please Him. A Baptist couple, Shawn and Emily, explained that this sense of pleasing God is not just an individualistic but also a dyadic process.

We’re each individually seeking to understand God, and who he’s made us, and seeking to learn to live out a life that’s pleasing to him. And that we bring that into the marriage so that the marriage is strengthened . . . we’re seeking to walk a life that’s pleasing to God: individually and together.

A relationship with God seemed to be correlated with a stronger, sanctified marriage. Several couples talked about God as a third party in their marriage and related an example from the bible of three cords combined together that become much stronger than the two were by themselves. Maria said: “[God] is definitely the center of our relationship…without God really being the center of our marriage I don’t see it working.”

In fact, some participants talked about their relationship with God as having a direct impact on the strength of their relationship with each other.

Cami, an Orthodox Christian homemaker, told about how a relationship with God strengthened her marriage.
Well just when I look sort of over the history of our marriage and my faith has had really has had its ups and downs and from the lowest downs where I’ve really been kind of far from God, I haven’t been a very good wife and I haven’t been a very good mother. And when I’ve come back to God and been closer and been more faithful and more active in my own personal prayer life, then it’s just followed that I’ve been better, you know a nicer person and a better wife and a better mother. So they just, they’re totally hand in hand. I can’t really separate them.

For Cami, a relationship with God and with her husband is inseparable. Not only did a relationship with the divine strengthen marital bonds, it also seemed to add a sense of sacredness to marriage.
Religion Sanctified Marriage

The most prevalent finding in these data was that religion “sanctified” marriage by giving marriage a sacred or spiritual or religious character. Whereas some of the findings already discussed applied more to some religious denominations than to others, the finding that religion sanctifies marriage seemed universal among all denominations.

The term “sanctified marriage” refers to perceptions of one’s marriage having spiritual character and significance (Mahoney et al., 1999). We chose the term ‘sanctified’ not to imply that religious couples are perfect or holy, but to indicate a process that occurred in these marriages as the two partners strived to live their faith. Although a sanctified marriage shares many of the same qualities of a strong marriage, it also implies distinct characteristics that may be attained only through a dedicated spiritual lifestyle. Dalia, a Jewish teacher, summed it up by saying “God is the third party in marriage… And the extent to which you seek God out, is the extent to which God plays a role in your marriage. He’d be happy to play a special role, if you allow Him to, want Him to…”

Several elements made up a sanctified marriage and the following were the most commonly mentioned in the data: Religion helps couples (1) set aside sacred time to spend together, (2) share a holy vision and purpose, (3) enhance interpersonal values, (4) to find spiritual help in conflict resolution and (5) increase divine relational assistance in the marriage. Together these elements seemed to serve as the spiritual foundation for marital fidelity.

Religion helps couples set aside sacred time to spend together. These highly religious couples spent several hours together each week engaged in religious activities such as church attendance, couple scripture study and prayer, or observing sacred holidays together, etc. Ibrahim, a Muslim Indian physician, described a spiritually bonding experience with his wife while on the Islamic pilgrimage in Mecca: “…it was such a great spiritual experience. And in Hajj, the husband and wife do everything together. You hold hands and you do all of the things together, like going around the Kaaba…”

Many of the religious activities that couples participated in required that distractions be eliminated so that the couple could give complete focus to the activity. For example, Latter-day Saints are encouraged by religious leaders to set one night a week aside for a date. Likewise, Jews are encouraged to leave daily stresses and distractions behind as they engage in Sabbath activities. Dalia, a Jewish teacher, explained:

And you know the laws about Shabbas, you’re not even supposed to be thinking anything stressful, let alone talking about anything stressful. It’s like you leave all the stresses of the rest of the week behind. So it’s a completely different environment. No one’s going anywhere, no one’s answering the phone, no one’s driving anywhere, that we’re just going to be here as a family.

As Dalia emphasized, one of the defining characteristics of the time religious couples spend together is that distractions are set aside, which provided a reverent atmosphere in which marital bonding could occur. Setting aside this sacred time to be together added spiritual character and significance to the marriages of those interviewed.

Religious couples share a holy vision and purpose. Sacred time together contributed to the shared vision and purpose of the participants in our study. To express this idea the couples frequently used such phrases as “shared background,” “common goal,” “shared vision” or “we’re walking on the same path.”
Some of the couples we interviewed found religion to be a primary common interest in their marriage. Eija, a Jewish attorney, said

Only in the sense that it’s given Efrem and me something more to talk about and sort of another connection. I’m thinking specifically that Efrem started going to this Torah study thing on Sunday mornings and I’ve started going with him and that’s a very interesting and intellectual kind of class but it’s given us a common interest, which is nice for us because what he does for a living and what I do for a living is really, really different. I don’t know what he’s talking about a lot and he may not know what I’m talking about a lot, but this is kind of a nice common interest for us.

Many of the couples were united in the common goal of getting to heaven. Julie a Latter-day Saint homemaker explained why her second marriage was going better than her first one:
I think having experienced two marriages, you know, one that didn’t work and one that’s working, I just think the commitment is deeper because we have a stronger basic foundation, which is faith. We have a Father and that’s that common goal we have together, to be together forever.

Other couples found marital unity as they endeavored to teach religious values and beliefs to their children. Leah, a Jewish arts administrator made the following observation about her family:
I would say so long as the kids are around, definitely, because there’s milestones in the kids’ lives that are religious-based. You know birth, a bris [circumcision], a bar mitzvah, going to Israel, Hebrew school, confirmation, and so the shared vision channeled or pioneered by the kids definitely keeps us on the same page.

Whether their goal was to reach heaven together or to transmit religious values to their children, being of the same religious background and sharing a sacred vision intensified the spiritual nature of the couples’ marriages and helped sanctify them.
Religion enhances interpersonal virtues. The sanctifying effect of religion also extended to a development of what we call interpersonal virtues. Nearly all of the couples talked about how their religion helped them to develop virtues such as unconditional love, humility, unselfishness etc., which were immensely beneficial to their marital relationship. Israel, a Jewish financial planner said,
…trying to improve your personal traits, your personal and emotional and intellectual traits to be more and keeping more of what God wants, will improve you as an individual and will help you to eliminate or try to eliminate aspects of your nature and so on and that are not attractive or helpful in terms of your relationship. So, yeah. It makes a difference there, you know, that the, I’ve done a lot of work on anger management…through religious talent, and I think it’s making a difference.

The religious texts of all the participants contained teachings that emphasized the virtues mentioned above. Galatians 5:22-23 was a scripture mentioned by several couples. Mark, a Jehovah’s Witness retired college professor, quoted part of this scripture and explained how it affected his marriage:
So there are enough qualities like that that we feel are from God’s spirit. The Holy Spirit, in fact, Galatians tells about the fruitage of the Spirit: kindness, peace, long-suffering, mildness. So those things, we think God is influencing us with His spirit to display those qualities, which obviously have an important part in marriage.

In addition, many of the couples talked about a spiritual role model, such as Jesus Christ or Mohammad, who personified virtues that they tried to emulate. Kari, a Missionary Alliance school teacher, said:
Some of the ideals that Christ gives, that we’re to be like Christ, so putting others before yourself, and just loving unconditionally. And a lot of these things really help a marriage, I think, as opposed to just thinking of yourself, which is kind of the modern way to look at marriage these days.

From the examples above it is clear that religion provided motivation for self-improvement, scriptural guidance, and specific spiritual role models to follow, which encouraged the couples to cultivate interpersonal virtues that were an important component of a sanctified marital relationship.
Religion offers spiritual help in conflict resolution. These highly religious couples
are not exempt from marital conflict. However, the couples in our study reported spiritual help in resolving the conflicts that normally occur in a marriage. This assistance came in the form of controlling anger, praying together to resolve differences, community support, and an increased motivation to forgive. Hannah, a Jewish writer/editor, explained:

The fact is that anger is a sin, it’s considered to be a sin. The main thing in family life, I suppose outside of the family as well, is to learn how to control your anger. You’re going to get angry. But you’re not allowed to lash out at people.

Religion helped several couples to control their anger and resolve their differences in a calm and controlled manner.

As mentioned above, prayer was a tool used by several couples in times of conflict. Oftentimes, couples prayed when they sensed that a conflict was escalating or when they wanted to restore harmony in the relationship. Cami, an Orthodox Christian homemaker described her experience with her husband,
Well I mean just kind of as an example, if we’re mad at each other, that can kind of go on for a couple hours, but when it’s getting to be bedtime and we want to go to sleep and we want to say prayers, it’s pretty hard to stand in front of the icon corner and say prayers together and keep being mad at each other. So I actually don’t really remember having gone to bed mad at each other after saying prayers…

When conflict led to hurt feelings, religion helped these couples to heal their relationship through forgiveness. Several couples found that church teachings and scriptural examples, which promote forgiveness, helped them to have a desire to forgive their spouse. Stuart, a Latter-day Saint dental student summed it up by saying,

Well I think some basic teaching, or one of the basic teachings of the Savior is forgiveness so if you can, first of all, if you want to be forgiven, the Bible teaches that you need to forgive other people. And obviously we’re imperfect and we want to be forgiven and so I think both of us bring that idea or that principle into our marriage relationship and we see that we have to be willing to forgive the other person and so I think that influences our ability to maybe forgive a little bit sooner than we normally would have because we know and we believe that forgiving is a good thing, something you should do.

Religion increases divine relational assistance. Many participants in our study endeavored to live in accordance to tenets of their religion, they acknowledged divine blessings and guidance that helped their marriage. Several couples asserted that the hand of God was what brought them together initially. Jason, a Latter-day Saint religious educator, described his experience.
…we wanted to investigate the opportunity to take this relationship further, we both talked about asking Heavenly Father to let us know if this was the right course of action, the right decision to enter into a marriage relationship. And so right from the beginning, God intervened; God had a hand in this. We believe that, I believe, that in a lot of respects through the spirit, we were led to each other, and not that she was the only one for me or I was the only one for her, but definitely right from the beginning.

In addition to relating stories of God’s role in their decision to marry, several couples talked about God offering general guidance for their marriage. Ibrahim, an Indian Muslim technical director, said:
We talked about God providing the guidance for the marriage, and the rights and obligation for each other. So, unless you have a relationship with the God, you know, you’re not going to follow that guidance. So that whole guidance and actually, the marriage system comes from what is prescribed by God. So it has a very direct link for us.

When religious couples had difficult times in their marriages, they gained strength in remembering God’s sanction of their marriage and the times when he intervened to help their relationship. Sophie, a Presbyterian retired business owner summed it up by saying, “My actual experience of God at those times is what carried me through to stick with it, to stay the course.”

Discussion

In modified grounded theory rather than testing hypotheses generated from the literature, scholars attempt to base the theory in the data and then make connections between that framework and the literature. That is what we now attempt.

Research findings generally conclude that there is a strong positive relationship between religion and fidelity (Wade & DeLamater, 2002). The purpose of this study was to discover the hows and whys of this relationship. Most of the literature focuses on the prevalence, factors, and impact of infidelity, this study is unique in that we focused on what factors fortify fidelity in religious couples. Following our analysis of the data, we conducted a second review of the literature to determine how our findings related to previous studies. Here we discuss the major themes and make connections between them and finding from the literature on marriage, religion, and fidelity. After briefly describing each of the nine themes that summarized the data, we discuss how we think these themes are related to each other by proposing a conceptual model.

Religion Fortifies Relational Commitment

Several researchers have found that marital commitment is strongest when couples have a clear sense of future together (Amato & DeBoer, 2001; Amato & Rogers, 1999; Waite & Joyner, 2001). Religious vows and the belief that marriage should last at least until death contributes to spouses’ committed outlook on the future. In addition to vows and beliefs, most religions emphasize the importance of sustaining marriage, which according to Larson & Goltz (1989) increases a couple’s commitment to the marriage. Not only do most religions emphasize the importance of marital relations, but they also strongly discourage divorce. “God hates divorce” was a phrase that showed up frequently in our data and was usually mentioned in the context of commitment.

A strong link between commitment and marital quality has been established by several researchers. Fenell (1993) found that lifetime commitment to marriage was the most important attribute of successful, long-term marriages. Similar studies of couples married for over 40 years showed that commitment ranked second among traits that were important for their marital success (Robinson & Blanton, 1993; Lauer et al., 1990). Finally, Clements & Swensen (2000) found that commitment to the spouse was the strongest predictor of marital quality.

Religion Strengthens Moral Values

Consistent with our findings, Curran (1983) concluded that religions assist families and individuals in establishing and adhering to moral values and ethical codes of conduct. Abbott, Berry and Meredith (1990) found that the teachings of most religions strongly support family values, attitudes, and behaviors. Over 80% of participants in their study reported that their religions regularly taught and endorsed loyalty to spouse, commitment, and other family virtues.

Religious teachings also help couples form basic marital expectations toward sexual behavior (Stolzenberg, Blair-Loy, & Waite, 1995). Call & Heaton (1997) found that acceptance of biblical teachings about the sanctity of marriage and prohibitions against adultery may reduce the likelihood of nonmarital sex.
Conversely, misinterpreted religious teachings on marriage could be harmful to moral values. When we asked which religious beliefs could have a damaging effect on marriage, study participants overwhelmingly answered that teachings on gender roles, if misunderstood or misapplied, could be detrimental to marital relations. Some researchers have warned of possible negative associations between religion and hierarchal gender roles (Mahoney et al., 2001; Sherkat & Ellison, 1999). Although participants in our study did not describe gender issues as damaging to their relationships, some may misinterpret religious teachings in favor of non-egalitarian views on gender roles. If misinterpretation of church teachings leads to an imbalance of power in a marriage then religion may, in some cases, lead to infidelity according to a study by Balswick & Balswick (1999). They found that an imbalance of power in marriage to be a factor in predicting greater likelihood of unfaithfulness.

Religion Improves One’s Relationship with God

Butler & Harper (1994) found that for some religious couples God is more involved in the marriage than any other person. Other couples described God as a “crucial family [/marital] member” (Griffith, 1986, p. 609) with whom the couple has a personal and often a daily relationship (Butler & Harper, 1994). Some consider God’s role to be so important in their relationship that they speak of the marriage as belonging to God (Marks, 1986).

Religion Sanctifies Marriage

Mahoney and colleagues (2001) have addressed the issue of sanctified marriage. Extensive research has been conducted on how religion strengthens marriage. Several researchers, using large national samples, report that high levels of religiosity are correlated with increased levels of marital satisfaction (Bock & Radelet, 1988; Glen & Weaver, 1978; Kunz & Albrecht, 1977; Wilson & Musick, 1996) This is an important relationship because some studies have found a connection between poor marital quality and unfaithfulness to spouse. For example, Prins, Buunk, & Van Yperpen (1993) discovered that people in unhappy relationships expressed a greater desire for extra marital sex, as well as an increased involvement in such relationships.

Likewise, Previti & Amato (2004) reported that poor marital quality was related to thoughts of divorce, which often led to infidelity. In general, extramarital sex is more common among individuals who evaluate their marriages negatively or who report that marital intercourse is low in frequency or quality (Buss & Shackelford, 1997; Waite & Joyner, 2001).

While religiosity in general is associated with increased marital quality Booth et al. (1995) found that an increase in religiosity does not always lead to improved marital relations. Thus, couples attempting to increase their level of religiosity do not necessarily increase their level of marital quality.
Religion helps couples set aside sacred time to spend together. Greater involvement in religious activities is likely to be related to higher levels of marital satisfaction, more perceived benefits from the relationship, and less conflict (Mahoney et al., 1999). In particular, Bahr and Chadwick (1985) found a significantly positive correlation between church attendance and marital satisfaction.

Schumm (1985) reported that time spent together is one of the three most important determinants of marital satisfaction. Perhaps religion is positively related to marital quality simply because it increases the time spent with a spouse. It may be that couples could receive the same benefit to their relationship by participating in nonreligious leisure, social, or communal activities (Mahoney et al., 1999). Future research is needed to determine whether or not time spent together in religious activities yields marital benefits distinct from those gained through other activities. Nonetheless, the results from our study suggest that the sanctifying nature of shared religious activities would likely make a unique contribution to marital quality.

Religious couples share a holy vision and purpose. Spending time together engaged in religious activities contributed to the shared vision and purpose of the couples in our study. White (1990) found that joint participation in church adds a sense of purpose and similar values to the family, which increases family commitment. Likewise, homogeny on any dimension of religiosity, such as affiliation, attendance, and beliefs, promotes similarities between spouses conducive to a more stable and satisfying marriage (Lehrer & Chiswick, 1993). In fact, Rosen-Grandon, Myers, & Hattie (2004) found shared values to be a key predictor of marital happiness.

However, if couples are not united in their choice of religious denomination or differ in their attendance patterns (unlike the couples in this study), religiosity can actually dividing factor for couples. In fact, Call & Heaton (1997) reported that the risk of marital dissolution is nearly three times greater when the wife regularly attends church and the husband never attends.

Religion enhances interpersonal values. Religious involvement does promote development of virtues, which involve characteristic ways of acting for a greater purpose, “a higher good” (Fowers, 2001b, p. 334; Broadie, 1991). Some examples of virtues Fowers (2001b) found helpful to marriage included generosity and honesty. Other researchers listed virtues like selflessness and courage as being important to intimacy in marriage (Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1995). The couples we interviewed often expressed that their religious involvement helped them to develop the kind of virtues, which they felt enhanced their relationship.
Religion offers spiritual help in conflict resolution. According to our other finding, religion helped couples to deal effectively with conflict in their marriage. Buss & Shackelford (1997) found that marital conflict made couples more prone to infidelity during the first year of marriage. The couples in our study did not directly state that the reduced conflict in their marriage helped them to stay faithful, however, they did make it clear that their religious beliefs encouraged forgiveness, praying together, and controlling heated emotions during conflict, which strengthened their marriage.

Religion increases divine relational assistance. Several of the couples in this study asked for God’s assistance in making decisions and in dealing with family or personal difficulties. They regularly depended on God for guidance and help in their relationship and acknowledged His divine intervention. In a study by Abbott, Berry & Meredith (1990) 81% of 225 surveyed stated that they almost always or frequently asked God for help in family difficulties. Sixty one percent of these reported almost always or frequently receiving some form of guidance or inspiration from God. Slife (1999) also found that many members of the Abrahamic faiths regularly depend on God for help in life.

Conceptural Model. Figure 1 presents the conceptual model that we constructed to illustrate what we consider the relationship between the major themes in the data. Our sense was that couples indicated that fidelity in their marriage was upheld by what we call a sanctified marriage relationship. The major components of this sanctified marriage included (a) set aside sacred time to spend together, (b) a shared a holy vision and purpose, (c) enhanced interpersonal values, (d) spiritual help in resolving conflict and (e) an increase of divine relational assistance in the marriage. The three other religiously-based positive influences on marital fidelity included (a) relational commitment, (b) personal values, and (c) relationship with God. The four major themes seemed to be related to each other as well. Of course, this model needs to be tested with other samples and other research methods.

Limitations

Due to the small sample size in our study (114) and the non-random nature of the sample the results cannot be generalized to the overall population. The sample in this study was intentionally limited to highly religious couples of the Abrahamic faiths and may not be applicable to other religions, or to people of lower religiosity. In addition, study participants were primarily middle income, highly educated Caucasians and thus further research is needed to explore what motivates highly religious, lower income, less educated couples and/or religious people of different ethnicities to be faithful.

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