Sara C. Lambert and Drs. David C. Dollahite and Alan J Hawkins, Family Science

Dear Dad, It’s been twenty years since we last hugged, talked, or even had a brotherly shot of vodka. The pain I experienced growing up rings out from my heart as I recall the time we never had together. You worked hard to give us a life and free us from the bondage our people have lived in for many years. You are my father. Why don’t I remember the good times gone by?

As I picture the men I interviewed in my minds eye, I recall a certain look of emptiness that spoke to me in silence. In concluding the interviews I felt a commonality between the men. A certain amount of their lives had been lived wondering what kinds of experiences they had missed by not knowing who their fathers really were. In searching out those to be interviewed, I was very cautious in my selections. As a young foreigner, in unfamiliar circumstances, I chose only those that I was sure I would be safe with. Having served a mission in the Ukraine, and being familiar with the mentality, I felt strongly about having private interviews to encourage them to share thoughts without hesitation. Due to customs in this country, I could meet only with people who previously knew me. I approached many other men about the possibility of meeting with them, unsuccessfully. Most would agree at first, but when they found out what the content of the interview would be, they politely declined. The people here are very skeptical and private when it comes to their personal lives.

It was difficult to get them started on their past and telling me about the relationships they had with their fathers. Unfortunately, out of all the interviews I covered, I never heard anything positive. The one exception that all the men could have agreed upon is that their fathers spent the majority of time at work trying to make ends meet. I come from a family whose father is loving and generous and would give anything for lasting and memorable experiences. The Ukraine, on the other hand, is in direct conflict with what I feel are “normal” characteristics portrayed by a father.

Many had extremely harsh memories that brought tears, anger, frustration, and resentment. In response to many questions, I would be on the receiving end of a blank stare and a short answer of, “I don’t want to talk about the dead memories.” Hearing such coarse words made it more difficult for me to understand what these men could have possibly gone through to harden them so. What was it the fathers did? Or, what didn’t they do? When you add war, poverty, alcohol abuse, and betrayal it begins to make sense. These men were a product of a degenerate society and the suppressing communistic structure in which they were bound.

It was much easier to talk about the present I tried to interview those with more than one child, so they would have a greater selection of stories to share. The men love their children and are proud of them. When asked about special experiences, each grinned and proudly spoke of their children at birth and about the first few years of life with them. I suspect the father felt a great sense of need and belonging to their children at that particular time because they all remembered it so well.

One of the interviews was with a man that grew up in a home with an abusive, alcoholic father. After becoming a member of the church he was able to recognize the areas in which his relationship with his sons was lacking. He is trying to be more supportive and be a better father in areas he feels that he missed. During the interview the underlying theme of our conversation was that he is grateful he has a chance to be a better example and father. He is very supportive of his sons in both academics and athletics. Both sons compete on the Ukrainian rowing teams year round. He is taking part in their lives and attending as many of their activities as his work will allow. Sasha said he wants more than anything to raise his sons so they will remember him as a friend and teacher.

With the break up of the Soviet Republics, many fathers now have the opportunity to change the way they live and plan a different future for their families. For the last 70 years the hearts of the children and fathers were turned towards a common goal of man, not of God. With the opportunity to research I discovered that it is only now that this process is beginning. With the freedom to worship and freely express words and thoughts, the children and fathers are looking to each other for hope, understanding, and a better life. All in all it wasn’t what I expected. I knew it would be a challenging project, but I thought people would be willing to talk more about their families and the incredible stories one has while growing up. Although the family was of little emphasis in previous years, the society as a whole has begun to recognize the importance of family unity and support.

A man living in a society without a belief in God loses perspective not only for this life, but the vision of what he can and must do during his time on earth. Each man I interviewed thanked me for helping him realize what was in the past and the importance of creating a memorable future with their families. The miracle has started and a new generation of faithful Christians have begun to rewrite history of family traditions. As Isaiah prophesied, the hearts of the fathers have begun to turn to the children, and the children to the fathers. This prophesy is now beginning to be fulfilled. I am thankful to the Lord for allowing me to continue missionary work and for the opportunity to promote good fathering. After interviewing each of the men, I hope that someday their fathers will write them a letter similar to this:

Dear Son,

Where did the years go? I’m getting older and grayer. You are repeating the steps of father hood that we once walked together. It was hard for me to know what you needed and how I could be your best friend. In spending more time with you and my grandchildren I see that you aren’t following in my exact trail. You are a wonderful father, something I wish I would have been better at. I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and erase all the time I wasted at work, with my comrades, and in the bottle. Thank you for understanding, and loving your children in a way that says you still love me. You are a great example for me. Love, Dad